WAYNE ROONEY, WORLD CUP SUPERSTAR

Less than two months after the last kick of the World Cup final, and just hours after the concluding slurp of their 687-course post-World Cup swankfest featuring stabbed bison au vin on a bed of shaved truffles and guacamole fritters followed by barracuda goulash and jalapeno chili hummus with a dash of pummelled unicorn, Fifa’s tireless panel of technical experts have submitted their report on the 2010 edition of the world’s most watched tournament. Watched, but not understood, it seems. Because while most earthlings thought they’d seen Fabio Capello’s England trudge around South Africa like laid-off zombies, Fifa’s 16-strong cast of elite boffins has revealed that, in fact, at least three English players produced “dynamic”, “competitive” and “energetic” performances and that the team’s defeat by Germany was a “major shock”.

In an uncharacteristic lapse, Fifa missed the opportunity to hail David Beckham’s photogenic posturing around the English bench, so the three players identified were Steven Gerrard, “a dynamic midfielder with good vision and technique”, Ashley Cole, “a competitive left-back with good technique”, and … oh go on, guess? Why, Wayne Rooney, of course! And there was you thinking Manchester’s foremost product vendor had stunk the place out like the extra-large tray of vintage parmesan that was devoured rapidly during course 17 of Fifa’s epic gorging! Turns out you’re an idiot and Rooney proved himself to be “a hard-working, energetic striker, worked hard for team; good technique.” - THE FIVER

And you thought the referees were blind! Did FIFA witness the same World Cup? Were they sober? Or did they think that we would have just forgotten after two months?

World football politics are in a universe all their own.